If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*