If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
No, he would not have.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.