If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me