If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning