Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.