If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My neck, my back, my…