If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.