If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no