if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Canadian owl: Eh?
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
