Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

😩😩😩

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

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[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

There is no try. There is only give up.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”