if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
☠️ ☠️
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”