Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Ape together strong

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.