if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.