Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Today’s tshirt

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.