Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
No. YOU-buprofen.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
The smoothest fall of all time
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”