If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Best table by far
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop