If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You Might Also Like
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.