Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Easy enough.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

waiting for halloween be like: