If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

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me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????


A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.


“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said


At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.


me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future


Dear family,
Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
Love, Danielle