@jake_lach

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

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@parsfarce

me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@KalvinMacleod

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

@Spaziotwat

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

@nonchalantnacho

Dear family,
Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
Love, Danielle