If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
They must have gotten it to go.
(Gaming support cat.)
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
