If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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sensitive skin
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
The 6 types of sex
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
This could be us but you eatin’
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.