Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

“you recording!?”

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

seems like a niche market

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.