When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to