If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.