Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

@funTweeters

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for