If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.