if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁