if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.