If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks