If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Just this preview of the story is enough
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
oppen heimer style lol
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1