if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Tell me you get it…🤣
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.