If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
How times have changed.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.