Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

The best plant holders?

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.