If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…