Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Pee pressure > peer pressure

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.