If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”