If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
