Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

The Assassin.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.