If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Saw your ex at the shops
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
? 💀