[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Good dog. ❤️
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The Wolf of Wall Street.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
5 ways to appear taller
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.