[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.