[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.