[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.