@pilau

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

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@skittle624

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

@LlamaInaTux

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

@That_Damn_Duck

Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct.

Poor Superman.

@InternetHippo

A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

@Ristolable

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

@TheWadest

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

@MarkoESQ

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

@KeetPotato

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

@

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