[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

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Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.


Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out


Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct.

Poor Superman.


A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you


Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him


Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.


Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”


Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.


inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me: “do you have anything less realistic”


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