If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Yup
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees