If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.