If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend