If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Just why bro?!
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Accurate
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control