If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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Not today.. 😂
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Meow
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Who.
Did.
This?
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.