If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
They got a point!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…