Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

need him

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Wasps: bees, but not helping

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

It will always be this

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.