if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
what could possibly go wrong?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.