if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
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just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
This is my emotional support knife.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)