If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time