Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

🏠

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.