If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Have kids, they said
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned