If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”