If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.