Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.