If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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kevin is now a local weatherman
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
aesthetic
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
My circle of trust is a meatball
