If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
