Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.