If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.