If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓