Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
if i was noah id have left geese behind
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister
Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand
The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Thanks a lot Apple, for calling 7 inches a mini.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*First day as therapist*
Me: Stop that.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.