@trojansauce

if i was noah id have left geese behind

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@VoNwosu

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

@VeryLonelyLuke

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

@bobinhiding

Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.

@beefman138

Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.

@NamestartswithZ

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.