@trojansauce

if i was noah id have left geese behind

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@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@ChrisScarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

@Ilikerockme

Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand

@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@bridger_w

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@Robert_Beau

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.