When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
if i was noah id have left geese behind
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?
Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Truth or dare?
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.