COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My boss called in sick of me
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?