If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Did my cat write this
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.