Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

knights of the ikea table

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…