If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
You Might Also Like
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
pictures of spider-man
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life