If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My zodiac sign is pistachio
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!