If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
how high up are we talkin’?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
selena gomez
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.