If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
A woman drives into a bar.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.