If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Priorities
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”