If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
12653.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
