Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.