If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
yeah not falling for this one
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.