Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

absolutely not

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

ok like just. call me at this point

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn