If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
found this cool rock hiking today
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours