If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’ve disappointed better people.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox