If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”