If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
is this how new cars are made??
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.