If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
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me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Can. I. Help. You.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours